A Blessing

      Around Christmas last year I had some Exciting and Scary news to share with ALL my family and friends.....David and I were expecting a Small, Wrinkly, Beautiful Bundle of Joy....I was ecstatic...Scared but Ecstatic. This was NOT our plans but we knew God was working. We had been "Mary and Joseph" in our church's Christmas program and everyone said that it would be SO funny if we were pregnant....WE WERE! David was heading into his last semester of College, Student Teaching and I was {Suppose to be} heading into my last semester of Nursing School as well. Unfortunately, I had been informed a couple weeks before I found out I was expecting that I had to repeat a class because I had a grade of 74.25 and to move on I needed a 74.5. That was not part of our "Plans" either but who cares.

Our family was so excited; our parents were in heaven they were going to be Grandparents. We talked about symptoms, baby clothes, doctors, cribs, nursery colors and names. I had already planned that I was not going to find out the sex of the baby because the year before I had a friend that had lost a baby at 7 and a half months pregnant and I did not want to have everything planned and then that happen. It was horrible and so sad. So, David and I were always talking about it and we were scared at first then that’s all we talked about!!!

We went and visited family in Chicago the week of the first of January and we already had a baby shower planned for this June for my Chicago Family. I also put it on my phones calendar. (Funny fact later). So, we got home and we were just enjoying the remainder of our Christmas holiday it was January 4th, David was leaving the next week to go to a seminar for his student teaching and would be gone all that next week. Well I got out of the shower and was getting ready and I saw it...I was bleeding. I had an appointment scheduled for the next week but I called the Dr. for a emergency appt. (On Sunday night we were at a friends house and watched Marley and Me, I cried out of pity for the character that Jennifer Aniston plays because she lost her baby, I remember thinking I could not imagine going though that...little did I know) I went to the dr. and she checked me and said that I was ok as long as I wasn’t in "Extreme" pain. The week went on and nothing changed....I was SO SCARED! My mother had not ever experienced this, my mother-in-law had but she had that "extreme" pain so anyways...something felt wrong! Well Thursday the 7th of January it got worse, I cried continuously and I had never been so scared to go to the bathroom! But I never had the “Extreme pain”. I knew then that my "High" of excitement was over. On Friday the 8th I was at a local restaurant and I went to the bath room...I looked down and there it was...My baby...did it look like a baby..no..but I remember thinking I should pick it up and try to revive it...could I do that? I was DEVISTATED! I didn’t think that could ever happen to me. I thought failing a class was enough. I mean I already had to change my plans this wasn’t what we planned to have a child....not only did we not plan to have a child but we also didn't plan to ever loose a child after we changed out "Plans" to accompany that child. I was in a daze! I remember thinking it was a dream. I went the next week for an ultrasound to see if; in medical terms "everything has passed". I went to the Dr. and had the ultrasound expecting them to tell me something that day...nope had to wait a week for the Dr. to tell me.....I remember having these thoughts.....They are going to find a baby, Maybe I had twins and only one passed away, I was never really pregnant, The Dr. is going to look at the ultrasound and be astonished because I actually did not miscarry...Those were my thoughts/dreams....Reality was none of those were true.

Two weeks from the time I "passed" the baby me and my best friend, Jessica went to the Dr. so he could tell me what the ultrasound said. (Remember David was gone that week for orientation) We waited for 3 hours got called back, and the DR. said these words and nothing else....."Looks like your uterus is empty" he then asked me if I needed any birth control and then was out the door. That was how I was told I lost my child....Pride and Joy, Apple of My Eye, My Hopes and Dreams CHILD....I left that office, did not shed a single tear and drove home...Jessica turned to me and said..."I’m glad your not emotional because that was horrible" It was...how does someone say that with no emotion. I knew that was what happened but I did not expect to be told like that.

Weeks went on and I began to heal...I was in a dark place, I was sad, didn’t want to be around anyone, wanted to cry, but I put a smile on my face and took a deep breath. A lot of people would walk by me and say nothing, they would look and smile, hug me and say they were sorry but that was how it was. I remember thinking...God, why me....Why all these horrible things...What have I done to disappoint you?....Then I remember a person from the Bible that had it way worse then me....God gave me this one person...JOB...All these things were happening and me and David were looking away from God and not to God.

I remember that saying, "God don’t put you through more than you can handle" Job had everything taken from him. Satan wanted to tempt Job to choose him over God and to blame God for all that was happening...God had faith in Job and let Satan do horrible things to Job, to prove to Satan that Job would not deny God. His whole family, everything he owned and his health was taken away....Job worshipped God...Satan lost...God won...Job was blessed...he then was given two fold everything that was taken and God blessed him for not denying him in hard times....That is how I needed to be and how I became... I know God has a plan for David and I but it is still hard to see people have babies all around us. It is especially hard when I hear about people having abortions. I think about that all the time, I never can understand how people can have their baby be killed….but that’s another topic for another day…Well yesterday was August 17th, 2010..My due date it was emotional but bitter sweet. One thing that I pray for everyday is that my future children accept Christ and that they will be able to go to heaven when they pass this world…That is one thing I never had to worry about with my “nugget” he/she is already there and they didn’t have to ever go though the heartache of this world. My baby is an angel and I will see he/she one day and even though I wish I could physically hold that baby in my arms I hold it in a even deeper place…My heart. I will never forget that day and I will always be selfish and wish I could have it but I know that the baby is safe and in the best place EVER!!!

This baby was a blessing to David and I, we realized that “Plans” are meant to be broken, material things are just things and they don’t matter, God will give us children whether it be natural, adoption, just spending time with the children around us, God has a plan for us and we are to be flexible and follow God no matter what! We have grown in so many ways and even thought it was devastating it was a blessing. That baby taught us so many things and showed us so many things and I cannot wait to get to heaven and thank him/her for the Blessing it gave us! Below is a poem and verse I found that is so appropriate for this particular situation.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

I'd have to say my favorite Bible verse for any trial would be:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28